Since my time in June at Orientation for New Staff up in Wisconsin, I have spent most of my time in the process of fund-raising my budget for the year to come. Fund-raising, as I am learning, is a spiritual discipline not much different than prayer or evangelism. I can think of a thousand excuses everyday not to do them but I know that if I just looked at Jesus, I would remember how crucial they are to my survival and continued pursuit of him (and his of me!). What makes them so hard is that they call me out of myself and hold up this mirror in my face that shows me the crucial question: Who is God? Who do you say that he is? It's the same question that Moses asked God and that Jesus asked the disciples. When the chips fall and everything I prop up is blown to pieces, this is the question that haunts me - "Kale, who do you say that I am?" I am so tempted to run and hide and just assume that I am God or that security or money or understanding is God. This question seems so basic but it is at the core of every sin and the fruit of every doubt. When I get scared or intimidated or feel awkward, it's much easier to believe that I am God and therefore, I should just be able to calm the storms or free the captives.
But it is just at these points when I have dumped all the water out of the boat but we're still sinking; when I have pleaded my case to every Pharaoh around but find myself still a prisoner; when I have tried everything and nothing has come of it, these are the times when I remember who God is. When it becomes abundantly clear to me that I am not God. At their endpoints, clarity and humility seem to be sisters. But this should not strike me as strange, I suppose. Isn't this what Jesus is always telling the disciples in the Gospels? When they couldn't cast out a demon or when they fought about who was really the greatest disciple among them, was it not Jesus who put the child in front of them and reminded them that it was people like this who were really following him? Just like them, it seems that my instincts are to prove that I am the one in charge or that I know what is best for me. Naturally, just like in their experience, when everything falls apart, I hear Jesus saying to me, "Kale, who am I? Do you remember who I am?" Again, I have to stop and answer him, "Yes Lord, now I see it again."
This world is upside-down and it would have me believe myself independent and self-sufficient. But wow, how far the fall that comes with the realization of this lie. As John the Baptist taught us, we must decrease as he increases. Everyday we have to surrender who we are and what we want to who Jesus is and what he wants. Even in something as hard and slow as fundraising. Especially in something like fund-raising. Or prayer. Or evangelism. Or just following Jesus in general. This is what it means to be a Christian I am learning. If I can't answer the question, "Who is God?" than I know where I stand in my relationship to the true God. I need to have my vision turned around. I need to have my heart turned right-side-up again. This always hurts but it always comes when I need it most.
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?
And I said, “This is my fate;
the Most High has turned his hand against me.”
But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
Psalm 77:9-11
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